musings on music and life

June 15, 2012

on Harry Potter

Filed under: Internet craziness — sankirnam @ 4:57 pm

I always maintain that the ending for the 7th Harry Potter book was incredibly anticlimactic. The whole setup reeked of Deus Ex Machina and just lazy authorship. If it were up to me, in the final showdown between Harry and Voldemort, Harry should have busted out a glock at the last minute and said “Hey Voldy, DODGE THIS!! MUGGLE POWER!!!” and fired a barrage of bullets, filling the dark lord’s body with sweet sweet lead. Unfortunately, J. K. Rowling had to take the high road and make some convoluted ending based on the badass wand being able to belong to someone while that person had never laid a hand on it. I ask you, what part of that makes any sense?!?

My ending is superior for a few reasons:

1. Nobody would have been anticipating it

2. Guns are just cool. After reading 6.9 books filled with wands (anyone remember the “wang project”?), introducing a firearm would be a welcome change.

3. J. K. Rowling consistently alludes to Voldemort not taking other people/races seriously (like house-elves, Muggles, etc.). Voldemort ultimately being killed by a Muggle weapon would have been incredibly symbolic from this angle.

But then again, who am I to criticize? I’m not the internationally famous author with billions of dollars in her pocket.

Here’s what SHOULD have happened at some point in the 6th book (I found this in the SA forums years ago):

Harry shotgunned the rest of his Felix Felicis. “Tonight,” he said, wiping his mouth, “I’m gettin’ lucky.”

The next morning, Harry stumbled down into the Gryffandor common room. “Don’t talk,” he told Ron, “I got a wicked hangover. I need some Jack. No, give me the whole bottle.”

“Blimey! What happened?” asked Ron as he handed over a fifth of whiskey.

“Your sister happened,” said Harry. “Twelve times.”

Hermoine joined them moments later. “I can’t remember anything from last night,” she said rubbing her head, “And why did I wake up in your bed Harry?”

Harry winked at her. “That’d be one of the half-blood prince’s potions, babe. Roofinus Maximus.”

“Blimey!” said Ron, “That’s the darkest of dark magic! Even He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has ever used it!”

“That’s why I can beat him,” Harry said, winking at Ron. “You see, I have the ability to love. Again, and again, and again.”

The bell rang and the girls filed out of their dorms, all slightly rosy cheeked and nodding at Harry. Harry ignored them.

“Blimey!” said Ron, “not all of them!”

“You two will be late for class,” said Professor McGonnagal as she led out Buckbeak by his mane feathers through the portal, “And I’ll see you in my office, Mr. Potter.” She disapppeared.

“What was McGonnagal doing in the Gryffandor girl’s dorms?” asked Hermoine, confused.

“Baby, the question you should be asking is: what wasn’t she doing.” said Harry.

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